I’ve battled mental illness all my life. I first got diagnosed with depression at 13 years old. It only worsened as I got older. i was diagnosed with bipolar 2, depression, and anxiety. Around 19/20 I had my first suicide attempt and then soon after followed my second. I ended up in rehab centers for dual diagnosis (mental and addiction where I also found out I’m an alcoholic). I struggled for years bursts of crying, laughing, yelling, silence. I never knew what I was going to get. I suffered long periods of extreme depression and loneliness. I didn’t know where to turn and I felt like I had no one to turn to.
Finally I got somewhat of a handle on it and I was stable in a way for a few years. Then I had another nervous breakdown which landed me in rehab again. My medications were adjusted again and I then was stable for the most part until recently.
This past year has been extremely rough for me, fighting my own thoughts and brain. Going through extreme anger and sadness to being happy and loving. I couldn’t handle it at times I’d cut or break tons of glass. The emotions were too strong.
Finally towards the end of this year I just couldn’t function any longer, I had it - everything made me cry, I couldn’t walk with my head up, I was sabotaging every relationship I had. I managed to trudge through the mud for a little bit then my biggest plummet happened and I was at my lowest of the low.
i came home from work that afternoon and decided I wanted to die the stress of my relationship, family, finances, sobriety, and work all were just way too much to handle. I wrote suicide notes and took 30 Tylenol. I told my boyfriend after taking them and he told me to go to the ER and because I cared what he had to say I listened although I had every intention on killing myself.
i went and ended up almost needing a new liver. After I was then found one of the best rehabs in the country to go to and I went for 30 days.
I learned that not only am I bipolar, have depression, and anxiety, but I have borderline personality disorder. That in itself explained so much of my behaviors and why I acted the way I did or felt the way I did or had so much anger.
There I learned DBT, mindfulness, breathing, and did art therapy. Art therapy became my salvation. It showed me a whole different side to therapy which I’d never known before. I could express myself just with color and paper anyway I wanted I didn’t have to come up with words, make sense of anything, or talk. I just had to get color anyway my head felt that way onto the paper infront of me.
when I was there all of my counselors said I could sell my artwork and that I’d be an excellent art therapist. and that’s why I’m taking every word they said for what it is.
Because if my struggles I now want to help as many people as I possibly can by sharing my experience, strengt, and hope.
I now have a dream that keeps my head away from suicide and helps me stay on the more positive side because I have a goal, something I’m working hard to achieve.
I have every intention on helping any and all people that come to me so I can help motivate them to stay on a path of success and positivity.
My name is Alexandra Grace and I’m the founder of whatsyourmotive?